Essential viewing in these troubled times.
You Might Also Like
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.