Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
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Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.