Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
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Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.