Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
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I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it