Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
You Might Also Like
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
When you’re Kinky but poor
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.