Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
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Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”