@LoveNLunchmeat

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

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@fro_vo

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

@IHideFromMyKids

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

@SteveSuckington

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

@clichedout

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

@joeljeffrey

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

@chuuew

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

@Darlainky

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

@_Tempo11

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

@KMoFlo_official

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.