Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
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Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Home #decor warning.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.