@hardasamother

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

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@trumpetcake

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

@GuyThe_Guy

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

@BadMikeyBad

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

@huntigula

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

@MrSpoonicorn

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

@Marlebean

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

@trumpetcake

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

@KnownComment

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

@TheHyyyype

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true