Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.