Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
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im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.