Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
You Might Also Like
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Discuss
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.