Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

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My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.


My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…


Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…


don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness


Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.


Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.


it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware