1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?