@envydatropic

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

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@sarcasticmommy4

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

@WestofCrazy

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

@MNateShyamalan

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

@elle91

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

@BridgetPhetasy

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

@glenna_opt

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware