@envydatropic

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

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@EricaWhoToYou

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

@Reverend_Scott

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

@RyanAndrewMitch

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

@CynicalTherapi1

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

@robdelaney

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

@EffdotEss

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

@_elvishpresley_

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

@Dorkstar

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?