@envydatropic
@sarcasticmommy4 My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
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@sarcasticmommy4 
@LoveNLunchmeat My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
@WestofCrazy Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
@portmanteauface If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
@rebrafsim fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
@MNateShyamalan don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
@elle91 Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
@Henry_3000 My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
@BridgetPhetasy Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
@glenna_opt it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware