Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff