establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
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If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card