Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
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Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point