estão todos miauvindo?
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Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.