[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
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COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
you have three unread messages
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.