Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
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Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.