[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
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“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.