European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
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Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Not my job 😂
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.