evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.


Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.


ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that


The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.


The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.


I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!


Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.


She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.