@UncleDuke1969

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

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@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

@LorieGZ

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

@karanbirtinna

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

@daemonic3

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

@HomeProbably

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

@MomofTeen

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

@DanMentos

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

@JB4Realz

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

@notalogin

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.