Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.


Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.


Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.


This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs


My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.


My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.


My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.


“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.


Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.