– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
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Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
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This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen