Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
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btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
beware of dog
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Single and childfree like Jesus