Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
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Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
6. me as a lawyer
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Merry Christmas
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer