Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
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I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school