Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
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ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
three things we don’t talk about
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️