Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
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[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?