@Elizacal
@pizzajaynow Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
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@pizzajaynow 
@ColoradoUgly I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
@xMonica13x My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
@OddMarc I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
@AndyAsAdjective My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
@XplodingUnicorn Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
@sarabellab123 Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
@JessicaFancy He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
@dafloydsta Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
@Feenohmenal I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.