Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
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[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Mouse
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Me :
All Day At Night
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn