@Elizacal

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

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@mzeld

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

@robdelaney

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

@uhhhhhoksure

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

@DragginFatherB

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

@marinhubka

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

@nicfit75

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

@chuuew

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

@PostCultRev

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@weinerdog4life

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!