Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

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I’m on hold. My call is important to them.


My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.


One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.


3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!


“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve


It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.


[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”


Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.


Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk


In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!