Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
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Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
“I got you, babe.”
I really had high hopes for this year though
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
He’s never gonna let me down.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
only 11 steps left
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.