@Elizacal
@mzeld I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
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@mzeld 
@robdelaney My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
@uhhhhhoksure One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
@DragginFatherB 3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
@marinhubka “How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
@nicfit75 It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
@chuuew [at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
@PostCultRev Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
@Fred_Delicious Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
@weinerdog4life In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!