@Elizacal

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

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@pizzajaynow

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

@ColoradoUgly

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

@xMonica13x

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

@OddMarc

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

@AndyAsAdjective

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

@XplodingUnicorn

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

@sarabellab123

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

@dafloydsta

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents