Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
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“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
knights of the ikea table
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*