Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
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[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.