Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
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Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
smartest karate player in the world
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”