even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
You Might Also Like
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Just say no
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
this is the greatest thing ever
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why