TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
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So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.