Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

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TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?


So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so


Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option


[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]


The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.


You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.


When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.


Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*


After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.


The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.