@batkaren TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
@bwebster76 Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
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@batkaren 
@fro_vo [interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
@HomeWithPeanut Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
@ch000ch [time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
@Alex_but_online The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
@mraggab_ You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
@snatch_stache When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
@jimmytorosian Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
@RogueGod After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
@FlyJ_ The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.