@bwebster76

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

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@batkaren

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

@fro_vo

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

@HomeWithPeanut

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

@ch000ch

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

@Alex_but_online

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

@mraggab_

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

@snatch_stache

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

@jimmytorosian

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

@RogueGod

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

@FlyJ_

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.