Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
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Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
*limbos away from your hug*
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]