“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
You Might Also Like
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”