Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
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You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?