even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.