Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
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We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
New Tinder profile.