Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

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Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF


You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!


Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s


I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.


Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to



Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”


Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?


GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this


Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults


My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.