[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
You Might Also Like
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
*worm wiggles away*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.