Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.