@SadPeruna

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

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@ErrenMichaels

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

@antheanton

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

@mxmclain

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

@TheToddWilliams

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

@Ygrene

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

@DrunjAF

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

@myonlymizztake

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

@Brampersandon_

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

@AnnaDoesntWant2

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

@jacanamommy

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.