Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
You Might Also Like
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later: