Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha