Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
You Might Also Like
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Attacked by a mop.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
WHY?!
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one