Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
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Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work