Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
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Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“I wouldn’t.”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later