@robdelaney

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

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@fro_vo

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

@SJKSalisbury

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

@paminski

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

@o__0Dev

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

@3sunzzz

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

@Michael1979

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

@WhatevaConc

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

@iwearaonesie

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No