Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.


I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.


If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.


9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.


Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you


SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*


I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”


Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”


[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water


“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture