@robdelaney

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

You Might Also Like

@ColoradoUgly

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

@NickAmadeus

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

@OCDelight21

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

@

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

@ShesARealGenius

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

@the_hawlk

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

@BunAndLeggings

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

@MsReyda

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

@murrman5

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

@daemonic3

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture