Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
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[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
sensitive skin
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?