Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
You Might Also Like
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles