Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
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Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Camping tip: No.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg