even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
my astrological sign is a french fry
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.