[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
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How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement