Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.