Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
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The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh