Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
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“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”